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Archive for December, 2009

So, I didn’t manage to get around to post yesterday. Sorry. But I was recovering.

The big day.

It was with mild anticipation and a huge sense of dread that I set off towards the John Radcliffe hospital (JR) for my colonoscopy. Having had the procedure before (or proceege for those who have read Lie back and think of England), I knew what was coming. And what was coming was a nine foot camera right up the jaxie.

I didn’t go into the JR as my appointment was one of the specially selected few that had the privilege of taking place in the Mobile Unit.Picture of the mobile endoscopy unit at the John Radcliffe hospital

Yes, that’s right: A whole colonoscopy unit that can be packed up and moved around the country on a truck. Now, from what I can ponder, there are two major advantages to this:

  1. If they left it on the truck all the time, they could deliver patients home while they were having the proceege.
  2. If they combined this with the local mobile library, we could see a huge reduction in bowel cancer in the over 60s. ‘Free colonoscopy while you wait’.

I have to admit, I was scared. I mean, look at it. It looks like a deluxe portaloo. I walked in and the first thing they get you to do is sign all the scary forms which essentially say:

There is a chance, when we take biopsies, that we will perforate your bowel. If this happens you will be rushed into surgery and you will be cut open.

Nothing to worry about there then.

I was then changed into a lovely hospital gown. I believe this was from the Arse hanging out season of 2009; I believe it debuted in Paris as modeled by that scary bulimic girl whose eyes are too far apart.

And then I waited. And waited.

And waited.

Eventually, I was taken through and laid down on the table. One of those little tap things was put into my hand and I was asked to roll over and present my rear-end.

I did get some good drugs, which was a bonus:

  • 20mg Buscopan
  • 3mg Midazolam
  • 25mg Pethidine

This cocktail essentially gets you happy, makes you not care about the nine foot snake and makes you forget most things.

But as I was starting to enjoy the high, it began. And, oh boy did it hurt. Actually, no, it didn’t. Not really.

It was uncomfortable; of course it was. But it wasn’t really painful. By the time I had started to get interested in what they were doing it was all over. I am sure this was helped by the lovely nurse who talked to me constantly, keeping my mind off it.

But all in all, the worst part was the prep. In all honestly, as I must have these every year, if I had the choice, I would be booking that team up in advance.

So, now it is just the recovery. For the rest of that day I had amazing gut pain. This is due to the gas they pump into your bum to allow them to maneuver around the bends. These pains followed me though into today but they do get much better with every fart.

So the plan is to head into work tomorrow afternoon. My body still wants to sleep a lot, I guess that is normal after a fairly invasive proceege.

Oh, and for those of you interested: They didn’t see any obvious signs of cancer, which is good. They have taken some biopsies to take a closer look, but initial thoughts are positive.

I shall let you all know the results of the biopsies when I get them.

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Just about to take my second mug of Citramag. This post is likely to be brief as I am still experiencing the effects from the first mug.

There is a possibility that I may poo myself away completely.

After this, though, there is no more prep; I will then be in the realms of the actual colonoscopy.

Oh, best go…

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So, I’ve just downed my first mug of Citramag which the packet describes as:

Bowel evacuant for oral administration.

Now this isn’t a normal, over the counter laxative. No, this is the Daddy of all laxatives. This will flush you out so clean they could shine a camera up your arse and take pictures — which, incidentally, is what they plan to do.

Symptoms so far: Slightly odd feeling in my tummy.

The booklet I have does say that it can take anywhere between half an hour and 3 hours.

So, I guess I play the waiting game.

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So, I had my last meal this morning. Guess what it was. No, go on, guess.

Yep, it was a toasted cheese sandwich.

Since then I have been in work desperately trying to fit the rest of the week’s work into the morning.

I had planned to leave at about 1pm, but that didn’t happen. I eventually left at 2pm.Senna tablets

This has put me behind on my prep for the colonoscopy. At 2 I was meant to have taken my senna tablets. So, it looks like I am on a hour delay.

The senna tablets taste horrible and get stuck in the mouth, forcing you to taste every last one of them. Ten of them I have to take. Ten!

And they come with the strangest warning I have ever seen on any medication:

This medicine may colour the urine red.

  1. ‘The urine’? What does that mean? My urine? Any urine? The urine that I keep in a jar, just in case?
  2. Red? Red pee? How cool is that. I mean, if they could find out what it is that does only that and bottle it, think of all the people who would buy it.

So, this is it. The beginning of the Afternoon of Poo. Stay tuned.

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