I really don’t have any other way of describing how I feel at the moment other than anger. Which is a very unusual sensation for me. In fact, I can’t ever remember being angry before. I have been frustrated, which is similar, but I don’t think I have ever been angry in my life until now.
I think this is mainly due to me being a fairly easy going person – or I at least hope I am.
I’m finding it hard to describe in words what this feels like: It’s like there there is both this need to curl up into a tight little ball and explode at the same time. I want to be both taut and loose. Hard and soft. But none of that is achievable.
‘What am I angry about?’ you may ask.
Well, it sounds very teen-angsty, but life. I am angry about what happened last year. I am angry that I had to feel that way. I am angry that I had to stop work. I am angry that I still feel bad. I am angry about everything to do with it.
I had plans. Maybe not hugely grand ones, but plans nonetheless. Onwards and upwards – both career-wise and life-wise. Get a house, do it up, eco it all out. Go on a honeymoon. But that’s all gone out the window now.
I am trying my best to recreate some new plans. To take my life in a new exciting direction but everything is marred by this ‘possibility’ hanging over me. And it just pisses me off.
I’m not going to go into my new plans here. I will one day. Promise. Those who know me fairly well probably have a good idea. But right now they are scared little plans, they need to be nurtured before they are ready to stand up to the gaze of everyone else.
So, I’ll go back to sitting at my computer screen, trying to plough on with some work while trying to work my way though this new emotion.
Any advice is appreciated.
There isn’t really all that much you can do about anger, especially not if it’s abstract and not directed towards someone or something you could confront.
Writing helps. Talking helps, too, but writing helps a lot more because you can switch off that filter that tries to get everything out in a coherent manner so other people understand you. There’s nothing wrong with filling pages with “fuck” and other swearwords.
There’s nothing wrong with shouting into a pillow, either. (That sounds weird, I know, but it does wonders sometimes!) You’re angry, you want to shout, and a pillow stops your neighbours from thinking you’re murdering your better half. It also feels strangely comforting to stick your face into a pillow and drown out your senses.
Physical exertion can help (I like going on walks – you’re forced to be alone with your thoughts, you get fresh air and it makes you tired, and it’s hard to be angry when you’re tired, on top of tiredness stopping you from trying to organise your thoughts and just letting your mind tell you what’s what), although in your case I’m not sure how advisable that is.
They’re short-term solutions, although anger is a short-term feeling. If it turns into a general self-pity is when you need to start worrying, but I can’t see you being in any danger of that.
Get out. Keep living life. Yes, you got dealt some shit cards. Yes, your old plans got screwed. It happens all the time. To everyone. You still have your better half. You still have your friends. And more importantly, you have new plans. Would you have worked on Supermarket Matters this hard if you hadn’t sat at home all day? Would you be working towards becoming a freelance writer now or would you be sitting at your 9-5 job wishing you could get out?
I suspect you’re not actually angry at the plans that didn’t happen last year. You’re angry because it left you hanging in this middle-bit you’re now in, where you still miss what you were planning to do (and some of it I am sure you can still do at some point in the future), and you haven’t quite achieved any of your new plans yet. I’m not gonna lie to you, this middle bit is really fraking hard. But moving on from a loss (I say that in the losest sense, you did “lose” a year’s worth of plans) isn’t supposed to be easy. And in hindsight it’ll be what will shape you most deeply and let you realize plans you wouldn’t even dream of right now.
I have been following your story from the beginning, I found you when I was looking for help and advice, as my husband was very ill with cirrohsis of the liver. He was ill for ten months last year. We went to the Queen Elizabeth hospital for his first visit then sadly two weeks later he died.
Please try not to be angry, I know how unfair and frustrating life can be. You stay positive and channel your energy into getting the treatment you want and need. It will happen.
Best wishes.
Ann.
I think this is pretty natural. One day you’re a normal, healthy, average person and then all of a sudden you have to give up everything you have worked so hard for. It doesn’t matter how big or small, it’s all frustrating.
I’m not saying it’s like a why me thing but it’s more like, WTF, what just happened…where did my life go?
I think I can relate as I’ve been very angry at times throughout my illness. I consider myself pretty easy going and laid back too but I’ve got some kick too. So I think I get angry rather then sad or upset about things. Maybe anger is just a way of saying, ok I’m ready to fight back not give up. It’s hard to fight back when you’re feeling ill or tired and it’s hard to make plans too. Especially when you start thinking things like What can and can’t I do now? Or if I make this plan will I actually get to do it?
My best advice would be give this some time to sink in. I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with being angry but try not to let it consume you. Eventually making plans will get easier. My advice with making plans would be try not to worry about limitations. I hope this makes sense because I know you can’t do all the things you wish you could but try not to let your mind put limitations on you that aren’t there.
Do you ever get angry that while you’re life has been thrown into turmoil the rest of the world just keeps going? I think this is what I get really angry about. Not in a “I wish other people were sick too” malicious sense but in a I want to scream and yell at the whole world “how can you not even notice how much I’m struggling or how I just lost a year or how horrible I feel or how my entire life has just been turned upside down?” even though you can’t be angry at any because it’s not anyone’s fault.
Sorry for writing a book but this post really made me think. Take care.
“Do you ever get angry that while you’re life has been thrown into turmoil the rest of the world just keeps going?”
I think that is part of it. People are always lovely and ask how I am, but when I am home feeling rotten and see that everyone else is just getting on with their lives I feel so mad at them. How can they carry on when I am ill? It’s a bizarre feeling, and one which is very unfair to have. But I think it is something everyone feels.
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I don’t know I your still following the comments left on this page, however I would like I say your not alone and im currently goin through exactly the same situation, when my illness first manifested I was hospitalised for four months and even some of the doctors told me that if I wasn’t as fit and healthy as I was when I came in I probably wouldn’t have left, that was 3 years ago and since I have got slightly better, still extremely fatigued itchy and the constant stabbing pains from both the lifer and spleen are a nuisance, adding to the fact Im almost as yellow as a Simpson, my consultant hepatologist says that I am also to well to be placed on the list however still haven’t met the surgeon but not entirely hopeful.
I also like you get angry when I wasnt before for me it’s to do with something completely out of my control that has drastically changed my life and there appears to be solution other than being tired all the time wgen all I want is to be the same person as before the illnesses started!
By the way I also have PSC, Auto immune hepatitis an lupus SLE