I really don’t have any other way of describing how I feel at the moment other than anger. Which is a very unusual sensation for me. In fact, I can’t ever remember being angry before. I have been frustrated, which is similar, but I don’t think I have ever been angry in my life until now.
I think this is mainly due to me being a fairly easy going person – or I at least hope I am.
I’m finding it hard to describe in words what this feels like: It’s like there there is both this need to curl up into a tight little ball and explode at the same time. I want to be both taut and loose. Hard and soft. But none of that is achievable.
‘What am I angry about?’ you may ask.
Well, it sounds very teen-angsty, but life. I am angry about what happened last year. I am angry that I had to feel that way. I am angry that I had to stop work. I am angry that I still feel bad. I am angry about everything to do with it.
I had plans. Maybe not hugely grand ones, but plans nonetheless. Onwards and upwards – both career-wise and life-wise. Get a house, do it up, eco it all out. Go on a honeymoon. But that’s all gone out the window now.
I am trying my best to recreate some new plans. To take my life in a new exciting direction but everything is marred by this ‘possibility’ hanging over me. And it just pisses me off.
I’m not going to go into my new plans here. I will one day. Promise. Those who know me fairly well probably have a good idea. But right now they are scared little plans, they need to be nurtured before they are ready to stand up to the gaze of everyone else.
So, I’ll go back to sitting at my computer screen, trying to plough on with some work while trying to work my way though this new emotion.
Any advice is appreciated.